There is nothing more precious, nothing more joyous than being pregnant and feeling a baby alive inside of you. And, loosing a child is one of the worst things ever that can happen to a woman..

This is for all the women out there who had stillbirths, to honor their memory and their loss <3

Five months into pregnancy, my mother lost her baby boy. His name would have been Bert. The only thing she told me about it was that he self-aborted: she felt she needed to use the bathroom, and the next thing she knew, she held him in her hands. There wasn’t any time for a proper goodbye, there was no grave, no solace, or no support for a baby that hadn’t properly lived – at least by definition in those days..

Fast forward a couple of decennia…

There was a period where I didn’t feel terribly connected with my young daughter and I was scared I was potentially passing something onto her of which I wasn’t aware. It was just in my gut, based on a feeling of emptiness, a lack of connection, or something along those lines.

To investigate whether any subconscious events laid at the basis, I participated in a family constellation session. Within the first five minutes of the session, my mother’s stillbirth came up. It hit me hard and at the same time, it felt as if the last missing puzzle pieces fell into place.

What this session showed me was how much my mother suffered, how poorly she had been supported, how little compassion and patience she was given, and how little she could give to herself. All that led to her never fully being able to process the loss of her baby. Unbeknownst to her, she seemed to have passed this desperation, her grief, her sadness, and her feelings of inadequacy onwards to the next generation.

It occurred to me that it may help my mother if I could do what she didn’t have the chance to do: I could give my brother a proper burial, a proper goodbye, an honoring of his short existence on this plane. The only question was how? I trusted the answer would come to me when the time was right.

A couple of days later: I felt strangely off, so I took my drum and decided I would drum for him. What would follow, was an attempt at spiritually burying my brother (rather than a symbolic attempt on the physical plane).

So there I sat, drumming and humming. I saw his body in my hands. In front of me, there was a shallow open grave. I laid his lifeless body in the Earth and tried covering it, but some unseen force prevented that from happening: He would lay there and I was to look at him and feel all the feelings and emotions. The feelings of grief, of rage, of sadness, of pain,.. and observe all the accompanying thoughts. In this process, I kept on drumming and humming while the tears came. Letting the pain and inability to have to let your baby go, wash over me. That very baby, who, until just a moment ago, was still happy inside of me.

After a while, the sadness left and the drumming stopped. Then effortlessly, Earth covered the body, closing the grave. At it’s head, a Celtic Cross in a metal-like material in greens and browns marked the grave. Finally, a small buzzing ball of light appeared from below the Earth on the right hand side. It rose up to the sky, buzzed sort of a last and final goodbye and then it disappeared.

Relief and love and gratitude filled me up. I drew the scene and pulled an oracle card. The topic was healing yourself and others. I was grateful for this sign and hoped this would be the end of a cycle of passing on grief and sadness.

Then suddenly rain started pouring from the sky, as if the flood gates had been opened for no reason. Amidst the rain, the sun shone and a full rainbow appeared into vision. Intuitively this came across to me as a sign from the other world to say “Thank you for your help”.

In the next hours and days afterwards, several unbelievably coincident things happened (synchronicities). All those somehow seemed to signal to me that some form of healing had taken place. I do hope this is the case and I hope it will extent beyond my family line and help other women elsewhere in the world in their process.

Aho.